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Family Constellations Explained
Family Constellations
A unique way of exploring and healing family dynamics.
The purpose of Family Constellations is to uncover the hidden dynamics of your family or relationship in an experiential way, so that existing energy can be observed and changed where necessary and undue stress released or reduced in the system. Family constellations is a gentle and sensitive method of allowing family or relationship energy to reveal itself through representatives, so that a resolution can unfold. A resolution allows each member of the system a rightful place in the group with a healthy and respectful connection to each other. This allows the natural flow of love in the system.
How Energy flows in the Family system.
Family Constellation’s is a revolutionary and exciting way of viewing and working with the energy of family systems. Bert Hellinger, a German psychotherapist and former priest developed this method from the mid 1970’s working with families as a family therapist.
Family Constellations is a dynamic therapy that continues to evolve, as is evident if you look at Hellinger’s earlier and his more recent work. However, the basic principles of the work remain the same. Bert Hellinger is now said to be in his eighty fifth year and until very recently has been practicing and teaching this therapy in Europe. Since the launch of his first book, “Acknowledging What is,” more than twenty years ago, Hellinger has been training practitioners and continuing to work with the public. His unique method of working with the energy in family systems has spread throughout Europe, America and Japan. According to Hellinger, family systems are composed of energy that connects all genetic family members together. In addition, each of the members have an equal right to belong to the system in their natural order. The purpose of the therapy is to restore the natural order and recognize the members who have been excluded for some reason.
The Knowing Field
The knowing field is the energetic field that forms when a client places representatives or symbols of the people of their issue, in the room. The representatives in the knowing field appear to tap into the feelings and sometimes the body posture of the people they represent. This becomes useful information to the facilititator in showing what is “out of order” and helps them in following the field of energy as it guides the constellation towards more order and its resolution.
Who are family members?
These are the people that are linked to you genetically or by sexual relationships such as marriage or sexual partners. This will include your parents and their siblings, your grandparents and their siblings, your own siblings, your children and your sexual partners. This means that relatives such as your parents’ brothers and sisters, your aunts and uncles, are significant family members. Also, as dead members of the family often leave a strong influence on the family, they also are considered a part of the family and may be included if necessary in a family constellation.
Natural order.
Tribal and ancient communities have a very rich and complex set of family and social rights and rituals that help to keep them rooted in the natural order of things. They are very well aware of the hierarchy of families and the need for each person to have their rightful place in the system. In addition, there are many rituals to mark “rights of passage” for many stages of human experiences, such as fertility, childbirth, puberty, marriage, death, men’s roles and women’s roles. Hellinger’s Family Constellations brings us back to this basic “knowing” of natural order in family systems, that we in the modern west seem to have lost or forgotten. In Family Constellations the dead are treated with equal importance to the living, as they have an equal right to be acknowledged in the system, as they live on in us and continue to have an effect in our families.
We are connected in more ways than one.
The Family Constellation view, is that each person has soul or life force energy and is also part of the collective soul or life force energy of the family group.
This means that each member within a family group has an effect on the other members in the group, via the genetic trail or soul energy by which we are linked. This means that the newer members can be greatly affected by what has gone before them in previous generations. Some event or situation may have taken place several generations before your birth, that was perhaps not accepted or acknowledged by the family in general. This will usually manifest as guilt or shame by the “greater soul” or life force of the family group and taken on by individuals in later generations. This is done in an unconscious attempt to relieve the burden from the rest of the family and may result in such things as a range of mental and, physical illnesses, suicide, or addiction or disturbed relationships patterns.
Consider all of the drops of water in a pond as individual souls in a family network. When a ripple flows through the pond it flows through to each drop.
In a family system, if all of the members are acknowledged in their rightful place and take full responsibility for their decisions and actions in life, then love will be able to flow freely throughout the system and the later generations will feel loved and connected and free.
Do I have to take my whole family to this therapy in order for change to take place?
No. Only you need to be present. Your family may not be aware of what you are doing. If a resolution is found for you, it will usually ripple through to the other members eventually.
Setting up a family constellation.
Family Constellations are often done in a group setting, although private sessions may also be done.
The person who has an issue is asked to tell the facilitator the nature of the issue, without going into the “story” or the emotions of it, involving “who did what to whom”.
For example, the issue may simply be “I have a difficult relationship with my mother.”
The facilitator will ask a set of questions to find out the facts of the situation without the emotional overload.
The client will then be asked to select representatives for the key people of their issue and themselves from the participants of the group. The person will then be asked to place each of the representatives in the centre of the room in relation to each other, according to what “feels right” for them at that time. Then, they will usually be asked to “sit out” and observe, as the energy of their family members is experienced by each of the representatives. It is amazing that the people chosen usually tap into the energy of the people they are representing, even though they know nothing about the people concerned or their lives or personality. When asked in a workshop by a participant how this happens, Hellinger confessed that he didn’t know.
From this point on, the facilitator observes the representatives and finds the focus of energy, either for the person concerned or for the collective family group. The facilitator will notice the emotions that the key representatives are experiencing. It is then the facilitator’s role to assess the situation and seek to uncover the hidden dynamics and look for a possible solution or resolution. This may mean that more family members are added, if needed, in terms of representatives. Once a resolution has been found and put into action, the constellation is over when the energy in the group is comfortable. At this point the person may be asked to take their place in the constellation’s final steps.
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What is resolution?
Resolution is a difficult thing to define. The facilitator’s aim is to uncover the love connections and truth between family members. For example, consider a child who has never met their father, finding that love connection, or perhaps a spouse who can now treat his ex-partner with the respect that is due to her. In both of these cases the reconnection to love or at least respect is very healing in itself. The person concerned is now aware of the dynamics of the situation and can now be feel more comfortable and connected. However, in some situations a full love connection may not be possible, so an acknowledgement of “what is” may well be all that can be achieved. This in itself can have a great healing effect.
Resolutions may take place “in the moment” or may take days, weeks, or months to settle fully into the soul. This depends very much on each person’s willingness to acknowledge what has come to light.
Working on many levels.
According to Hellinger the energy that we are dealing with here primarily is soul energy. However, a constellation is working at many different levels.
Intellectually- your hypothesis of your issue may be different to what the constellation shows.
Physically- in seeing the situation in real terms through the representatives.
Emotionally- through the feelings of the representatives and yourself.
Soul- the natural inclinations and movements of the soul.
The Intellectual part of the process is perhaps the most difficult for us to accept. The reason for this is that we are often quite rational in our thinking and probably feel that we know where our issue comes from. However, we need to remember that this is only our perspective. The fact is that we all have a “blind spot”, our issue may turn out to be more of a family or generational issue and not so much our own personal one, so it may have many other aspects to it than we might have assumed. Therefore the resolution may also be quite different to the one we may have been expecting. Therefore those of you who are fairly open minded may accept a constellation into their soul very quickly, while others may take a while to accept it fully. The time it takes for a resolution to be found in a Family Constellations workshop can be a bit different to the time it takes for it to settle into a person’s soul at all levels, this is a personal thing.
Interestingly, once your constellation is done and sometimes before it has settled in you totally, the resolution appears to ripple out to the other family members involved in your issue, via the family or relationship network that links us. So the next time you meet the person or phone them it is usually quite a different experience, even though you might not have let them know that you have been doing your constellation.
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Examples of Family Constellations
Case study.
Mary has come to a Family Constellation workshop saying that she is finding it difficult to attract an appropriate partner into her life. She is thirty five and says that she keeps attracting addictive partners into her life. Her mother divorced her father when she was eight years old because of his binge drinking. A constellation is set up with representatives from the workshop of Mary and her mother and father. They are placed in the room by Mary and she sits back to observe. Within a few minutes, even though the representatives know very little of Mary and her family, they start to notice feelings in their body. A constellation energy field is forming of her family in the room. Her mother feels both angry and sad and is glaring at her husband. Mary’s father is looking at the ground. Mary’s representative is not able to look at either of her parents and feels a lot of anger towards her mother and disgust for her father. As the facilitator, I asked for further information. Mary’s mother’s father was injured in the Vietnamese war and came back to the family as a crippled man with mental health problems. A representative for Mary’s grandfather (mothers’ father) is bought into the constellation and some healing sentences given to help her mother and her injured father to accept what had happened to their family due to the war. Mary’s mother falls into her fathers arms and weeps for a short time. She then stands with her father behind her, looking much stronger and softer at Mary’s representative.Further information of Mary’s father comes up. His mother died when he was a child. A representative for Mary’s father’s mother is bought in. After some words are said between them and some emotions released and he is feeling at peace with his mother, he is able to take his place by his ex wife in front of Mary with some renewed dignity. Mary herself is now asked to take her place in the constellation instead of her representative. She is visibly moved when her mother tells her that its OK for her to love her father. Mary said that for the first time she felt her mothers’ strength and also her fathers’ and was able to bow to both of them with respect, leaving their destiny and their decisions with them. The constellation ends here.
Mary’s constellations took place in June 2006. She contacted me a few months later to tell me how different she was feeling and how much easier it is to have a relationship with each of her parents now. She also has a new partner in her life and is very happy and excited organizing her wedding. Mary’s story is typical of constellations work.
Difficult parent/child relationship
This is the family constellation of a woman who was unable to have a good relationship with her daughter. The facilitator asked a few factual questions about the family history and then set up the constellation with representatives. The woman also had a difficult relationship with her own mother. Representatives of the woman, her daughter and her mother were set up. The feelings and physical positioning of the representatives were noted.
The woman is loving but can’t make contact with her daughter, who is angry with her. The woman is then turned to face her own mother. It is clear that she doesn’t respect or accept her mother. Some time is spent here in allowing things to be put back into their rightful place until the woman and her mother are in contact and feeling comfortable. Now the woman is turned to face her daughter. The daughter has become interested in coming to a resolution with her now. The constellation finishes with the family system feeling relaxed and comfortable.
If you have a difficult relationship with your parents, it will be difficult for you to have a good relationship with your own children.
When a relationship breaks down.
This is a family constellation of a divorced woman who was experiencing difficulties in her subsequent intimate relationship. A constellation was set up with representatives of the woman, her ex-husband and her current partner.
The woman’s ex-husband is feeling very sad and hurt. She can’t look him and says that she feels anger towards him. In seeking a resolution, it’s discovered that the woman is finding it hard to accept responsibility for her part in what went wrong between them. Once an appropriate resolution is found and accepted, the couple is able to let each other go. This frees the woman to focus on her present relationship.
A relationship that has broken down needs to be resolved before you successfully go into the next one. Many of us know this intellectually but it is often difficult to do this fully for ourselves.
An unresolved parent child relationship.
This is a family constellation of a man who had a difficult and unresolved relationship with his mother. His mother died when the man was seventeen leaving him feeling bitter and angry.
A constellation of the man and his mother is set up. The man’s mother reports feeling cut off and unable to focus on her son. The son reports feeling sad. Gradually the mother turns from the son. She feels pulled from behind.
The man’s mother is turned around to look at her father. She experiences great emotion here, first anger, then sadness and then abandonment. Her own father had died when he was a child. She had very much missed her father. Once the situation is acknowledged and the mother is reunited with her father she is able to turn around with her own father behind her to give her strength and make a connection with her son. The constellation is over when the mother is honored and respected by her son and she is able to wish her son a fulfilling life. The son is feeling connected to his mother.
Why choose Family Constellations?
Counselling and Psychotherapy do indeed have value in helping sort out problems and in helping us find meaning and purpose in life. However, for those of you who have already been down the counselling path, who still have unresolved issues, or for those of you that don’t want to expose your most intimate feelings and thoughts in therapy, then perhaps you should consider Family Constellations as a possibility. Family Constellations is not Psychodrama. Psychodrama often replays events or situations in a person’s life using representatives to play each role. Family constellations does not look at particular events in a life to replay them, it simply looks at the energy in each of the representatives with no sense of drama and very little information of the issue or the lives of the people concerned. In fact the person with the issue often sits out so that they can observe the process, but also because their involvement could influence the true flow of the constellation. Constellations are meant to be objective and not driven by the emotional content of the person with the issue. For this reason a family constellation is not psychodrama.
The constellations usually take place in a one or two-day workshops, with a group of people all undergoing the same process. You are likely to be chosen to represent other people’s family members and you will be choosing representatives for yours. The group is contracted to confidentiality and respect for all members. This therapy is relatively quick and efficient at resolving an issue in only one constellation. This may take anything from twenty minutes to one and a half-hours to complete. This can also be done in a private session in some cases. This is a small commitment of time and money to resolve an issue that can bring great change into your life. Doing my family constellation has bought me closeness, understanding, love and respect for the people closest to me in my life. What more could I ask for?
Transitions and Change
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Some Metaphors on Family Constellations
a) Carrying Your Own Bundle
A wise old Indian chief was talking to his students about responsibility and family life. He said that an ancestral line is like a river flowing from its source at a mountain spring. Initially bubbling out fresh and pure water over boulders and waterfalls and becoming more turbulent as it flows. Then travelling down the slope, it is joined by new bodies of water due to rain and streams joining it water further down the river, becoming murkier and cloudier as the water followed the path of the river to the sea. Then one day, the Spirit Gods decided that the water was getting too muddy and it was spoiling the clarity of the river as a whole. He told each body of water to take back its own turbulence of pebbles and sand and to make its own whirlpool to push all of the rubbish to the river bed, leaving only pure, fresh, life-giving water to flow forward. The river immediately divided into many whirlpools all down its length. Eventually, once clarity was restored, the whirlpools stopped and peace flowed in the river with new life and vigor and vibrancy. Now when you see a whirl pool in a river you know that one of the bodies of the river is depositing what it doesn’t want to carry any more.
Family Constellations is like a whirlpool clearing out all that has been decomposing…so that the water is fresh and clear again.
b) Standing in the Light
There was a beautiful woman in her prime. She had a beautiful body and face, long silky hair and a very sweet nature. However if you put on these special glasses that allow you to see beyond normal vision, you can see that she has three large lumps on her body that are preventing her from achieving her dreams. If you look really carefully with your special glasses, you can see each lump attached to a strand. One linking to her mother, one to her father and one to an ancestor that had a tragic life. One day when the beautiful woman was walking through a forest, she came upon a clearing where the sunlight was streaming through it to the ground with an intensity that was unusually vibrant. She stepped into the light, basking in its beautiful cleansing quality. She looked down at her body and for the first time noticed the three large lumps and wandered how they got there. She asked out loud, “how did they get there?” As if by magic her father suddenly appeared before her, saying. “It is mine, I now feel ready to hold it for myself” As it moved over towards him, it disappeared as it merged into his body. He suddenly stood up, looking stronger and straighter looking at his daughter a with great love that she had never seen before. Next, her mother appeared and then her great aunt, both also now willingly to taking back their own lumps. They also stood up with renewed strength and pride, glowing with love for her. In a few more moments the sun moved behind a tree and the light along with her family members faded. A little dazed, the woman continued on her walk noticing that she was feeling stronger and vibrant with a warm inner glow and lightness that she had never experienced before. She also noticed an inner knowing and excitement that she would now be able to follow her dreams.
Family constellations is like a magic light that allows you to dissolve unhealthy attachments for a clearer brighter present and future.
c) Rainbow
There was a very beautiful coral fish called Rainbow living in a coral reef in the tropics. The sea was clear and warm and full of delicious things to eat. Rainbow had everything that she could wish for, but some how she didn’t feel that she could enjoy or appreciate it fully. All of her young life she has been aware of feeling heavy, clumsy and slow. She never seemed to be at the right place or time to have fun with the other fish, or attract a good mate. In addition, everything looked a little gray through her eyes. One day as she was floating around in a quiet part of the reef, she came across a big wise old coral fish called Angela sitting on a large piece of coral. They got talking and soon Rainbow was feeling very comfortable with Angela and told her about how heavy and slow she felt. Angelina was a bit of a wizard and had developed extraordinary eye-sight and perception. As she looked at Rainbow she noticed that she was carrying a large bundle on her back. She saw that the bundle belonged to her mother.
Angelina said “Why don’t you let your mother carry her own bundle?”
Rainbow replied “Mum is so tired, she has so many children, I wanted to help her out”
“In holding this for her you are carrying a bit of her life force, which weakens her further. If you let her carry it for herself she will feel stronger.” Angelina replied.
“ Do you mean that I’m not helping her at all by carrying it?” Said Rainbow
“No, Mums are made to do what they do, you will be able to do it too when its your time.” Said Angelina.
After thanking Angelina, Rainbow went to find her Mother and offered to give back the bundle that she was carrying for her. Mum gladly took it back and looked much stronger almost straight away as she did so. Also, Rainbow suddenly noticed how energized and light she felt and how everything in the reef looked brighter. She was also aware of a very good-looking male fish was looking at her with interest. Rainbow knew that life would be different from now on.
Family Constellations allows you to feel the baggage that you are carrying for others and let it go back to the rightful owners, giving you freedom and lightness in your life.
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